On (Im)permanence

As promised, I'm back to share my Ruby tattoo, and to start writing more regularly. This has been the most amazing summer of a most amazing year, and I've been doing a great deal of reflecting on luck, love, loss and gratitude. For perhaps the first time in my life, all that I've experienced seems strung together on the same thread - seemingly unrelated things echo back to each other and sadness and joy nestle inextricably together.

Four years ago in July, I lost both of my fourteen-year-old dogs within ten days of each other. That same year was defined by other losses, but July's hit the hardest and/or compounded all that came before because I had also lost my mother - the person I loved most in the world - in July of 2010. Summer seemed especially cruel for so many years. I believe my reaction to all this loss was delayed, with the year following being particularly dark. At times it seemed that the best parts of my life were in the past. How to allow brightness to glimmer at the edges of absence again? How to love deeply knowing that all you love will eventually leave?

What I've come to know is that is exactly how and why to love deeply. I have always had a close relationship with mortality - I grew up with so many animals that it was unavoidable. Losing was the price of loving. I have never over-sentimentalized this reality when it comes to animals, but more recently it has taken on new characteristics. A preciousness. I have had a few people assume, when they see my Ruby tattoo, that it is a memorial. Ruby will be five this winter and I hope we have at least a decade more together, but I already recognize what she means to me and how she's changed my life. I already know that she is my forever - or my little piece of forever, since forever doesn't really exist for any of us.

Sometimes looking at Ruby's amber grey eyes, or at my ancient little cat Nina's bedraggled frame, or at the beautiful faces of any of the people I hold dearest in my life, I feel my heart could burst. How lucky, to share this space in time with them. There are so many metaphors about loss and heartbreak, about the capacity or strength of that organ being diminished by trauma. The opposite can be true. The heart's chambers can be sprung wider, like the windows thrown open on a perfect summer day. Gratitude has infinite square footage.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that everything will always change. We can count on that. We will experience devastating loss. We will wonder how happiness will ever appear on the horizon again. And then it will. In the form of a brilliant and complicated red and white dog who gazes into your very soul. In the form of a new relationship that takes you on incredible adventures and brings back forgotten wonders. In the form of peace and wisdom that can only come from time and experience, and recognizing that, in the words of Mary Oliver, this is what we get...this one wild and precious life.

On Reactivity and The Election

It's been a hard week for many of us. The world which previously felt safe, secure and predictable feels suddenly less so. We are on edge, our skin prickles with the anticipation of what might happen or what bogeyman is around the next bend. We gnaw on the bones of history, our thoughts run in tail-chasing circles. I don't know if I've ever felt a closer kinship with my reactive dog.

On Dogs and Authenticity

It's a complicated, confusing world out there. I've been doing a lot of introspection about trust and honesty lately, about living my life authentically and presenting myself as nothing but wholly me in whatever circles I inhabit. I'd like that to extend to this blog, whether that means expanding its topics or writing more posts like this one which astonished and touched me with its responses and shares far and wide. This doesn't mean I'm going to be oversharing here on my dog blog, but I was reminded that what people are affected by are personal stories. While I'm dog-obsessed, I have far more diverse interests than just dogs, although I notice that dogs inform and influence unexpected aspects of my life.

On Dogs, Dating and Heartbreak

Because they have always been an integral part of my life, dogs have always inhabited the spaces around, in between, and in the absence of relationships. My decision to foster fail with Boca was in no small part because my long term relationship ended shortly after she arrived from her tropical island, and I couldn't bear another goodbye. In those days she spent a lot of time laying directly on my chest - a balm to my heartache - something she rarely does anymore. Make of that what you will...

Summertime with the Ginger Sisters

Summertime is in full swing here in Denver, and I spent much of the weekend beautifying my patio in anticipation of spending a lot of time out there with The Ginger Sisters. Boca likes to lounge on the dog bed and Ruby loves chasing her pink tennis ball. This required the obligatory trip to Home Depot. I had already planted some tomatoes and a few flowers in pots - including marigolds with seeds I harvested from last year's marigolds, which I think is really cool - but I needed to improve the tomato situation and wanted more useful plants. I was also hoping to get a lounge chair - my mosaic bistro set is cute but not one bit comfortable to sit at for long. I had plenty of pots but I couldn't resist a darling fox one - it looked too much like The Ginger Sisters. I repotted the three tomato plants and made sure they were out of reach of the dogs since the leaves/stems are toxic. I also had to put two other things I bought (a lobelia and something unidentified that had been pre-treated with pesticide) out front instead of my patio for the same reason. Note to self: look up pet-safe plants before you shop. Then, after all my fretting over the plants, Ruby and Boca decided the potting soil was delicious - thankfully I bought organic. I am thrilled with how it turned out and that I have basil, rosemary, mint, sage and thyme fresh for the picking outside my door, and will hopefully harvest my first patio cucumbers and tomatoes before the year is through! I also planted a cat garden for Nina - catnip and cat grass. It's wonderful to sit in my lounge chair and have a view full of sky. I know that I will be spending a lot of time out there in the coming months.

On Saturday, Boca had her annual wellness exam. We are still seeing the ophthalmologist regularly and she is completing a three-month course of doxycycline in case her eye issue is bacterial in origin. So far, the left eye is holding steady and her grafted right eye is healed completely and doing great. Aside from her eyes, she is a very healthy girl and she met her prescribed weight loss goal, coming in at 32.9 lbs. We saw a new vet who is helping temporarily while another partner is on maternity leave, and she was very nice. She remarked on how easy and sweet Boca is. After our appointment we stopped at a pet store to get some more goat's milk for the girls. I've been using The Honest Kitchen powder but decided to get them a carton of fresh, raw goat's milk and also a small bag of Wild Calling kibble since we were down to one bag in the pantry. I like to stay stocked up! Everyone wanted to say hello to Boca and know what kind of dog she is. She is such a wonderful potcake ambassador!

After a really lovely rainy spell, our temperatures have been climbing, with Sunday being our hottest day yet hovering around 95 degrees. This is my first summer without A/C (long story) and so far it's not too bad. The dogs are definitely lower energy but seem to handle it well. Boca has taken to crawling under my bed at night - I think this is a holdover from her street dog days when she would find a dark burrow to keep cool. I moved some things around so she has space under there but she really barely fits and it is quite a production, silly girl. The downside to leaving the windows open to cool my room off overnight is that the dogs can hear all the neighborhood sounds: other dogs barking, people talking in the alley, and the odd pre-holiday firecracker. Both Ruby and Boca are noise-phobic, and we are not looking forward to the Fourth of July. A nearby municipality also has a separate fireworks celebration on July 25th, so we will be hunkering down with music, fans and thundershirts several times next month.

Walks with a reactive dog are more challenging this time of year, when everyone else is out enjoying the sunshine, too. We have scooters, skateboards, bikes and strollers to contend with, as well as the occasional off-leash or escaped dog. Last week a Westie on a Flexi-lead got away from its elderly owner and came charging over to us. The loose dog and Ruby had a snarky terrier-off but I was able to keep myself positioned in between them until its owner got hold of its leash again. Boca paid them no mind at all. The owner was very apologetic but can I just say again how much I hate Flexi-leads? I saw so many when I was at the park this weekend and they are useless at best, dangerous at worst. Ruby has been getting better about cars and people, as long as the people aren't moving quickly directly toward her. Sometimes we can even see a dog all the way across the clubhouse lawn and not have a total meltdown. I will call that improvement!

How is your summer going so far? 

Loving My Little Life With Two Wonderful Dogs

A room full of dogs and books is my idea of happiness.

Happy Ruby Tuesday! While I don't do it on a weekly basis, my aim with the Ruby Tuesday updates is a more "old fashioned" blog post of the journaling type. Back before blogging became so popular, I had a LiveJournal account where I shared thoughts, poetry, pictures and travelogues. My account is still active, in fact, and while I don't write there regularly, I love having more than ten years of my life chronicled there. Some of my very favorite blogs lean toward the wordy, honest and personal, and so I like to have an element of that here, where I can look back on the daily details of life with Ruby and Boca, these two precious dogs that have been with me through some of the most difficult times and also at a time when I am doing some serious introspection.

Recently I said to a friend, when asked what my big life dream was, that I thought I would like to move to Spain and rescue dogs. She looked momentarily surprised, and I realized that wasn't what most people expect, especially now that I am single. No babies, no weddings, nothing very ambitious or extraordinary, but something very definitely including dogs. I'm incredibly grateful that I live in a time when that is becoming increasingly acceptable, and increasingly normal. Lately I've been simplifying, reevaluating. I'm finding that some things that used to be important to me (like fancy shoes and late nights out dancing) have fallen by the wayside, and some things I thought I'd never want (like living somewhere rural) have become suddenly intriguing. While  I occasionally hear things like I'm too wrapped up in my dogs, the great majority of my friends and family are supportive of my somewhat solitary, but personally satisfying lifestyle, and they get it when I just want to stay home with my dogs. (Either that, or I make a point of surrounding myself with only people who do).

During the week, life is largely routine, especially when incorporating the care and feeding of The Ginger Sisters into the few hours between waking and work, work and sleep. I find comfort in this routine, and waking up as I did this morning to find Ruby laying on her back, nestled into the crook of my arm and gazing up at me, is often the best part of my day. Right now my dad is living with me, and I'm blessed with knowing my dogs have company while I'm at work and can spend these warm afternoons sunbathing outside. The weekends are when the real fun happens: sitting on the patio playing ball with Ruby, making them special treats like the frozen goodies pictured above (Freezy Pups mix and Merrick PowerBites treats), walking through our little slice of wild marshland between the light rail station and the town house complex, photo shoots and silly trick training sessions, trips to visit family, outings to new places, or blissful reading breaks on the guest room daybed in the best light.

The girls are doing splendidly overall. Ruby has had some great moments (passing people fairly close on walks and not barking) and some not-so-great moments (going berzerk over horses on TV despite my efforts to DS/CC with peanut butter). I took her out for a training walk this weekend and she did very well with checking in and maintaining focus on me (which is a huge deal for her). My secret was using some of Boca's "pill cheese" - more on that in a moment - good old processed American cheese product. Her reactivity means a lifetime of management, but when I look at the big picture, I can see some remarkable changes. She is never relaxed outside, but I am seeing little moments when we are close to home where her body becomes looser and even get a tail wag once in a while. She solicits pets every evening (with very particular requests: inner thigh and back scratches).  Her relationship with Boca is beautiful to watch, and while they can get carried away sometimes with their play, I see a lot of really sweet, gentle interaction, too.

Boca remains her delightfully easygoing and goofy self - she is the first dog I've had who can happily take a nap at the vet's office. Unfortunately, we've still been spending quite a bit of time there. We had only a short reprieve from the Ocular Ordeal before she started developing an opacity in the other (left) eye. At this time it is not causing her any problems or discomfort, but the ophthalmologist is still unable to determine a cause. We are trying a long course of doxycycline in hopes that it will slow down any progression if there is a bacterial component. I'm not as stressed out about it as the first time, because at least we know the treatment/surgery route to go if it does get worse. After our appointment on Saturday, Boca and my dad and I discovered a pretty park full of little lakes and streams. It was refreshingly serene even though it was in the middle of town, and a place I could safely bring Ruby, especially on one of my Fridays off. We even spotted a huge turtle in one of the ponds!

Time seems to go by faster and faster - just like people are always telling you it will - and I want to make the most of this summer. Everything is gorgeous and green right now following our more than twenty consecutive days of rain. This weekend I hope to get a lounge chair for my patio, so I can read out there while the girls sleep in the sun. I have planted marigolds and tomatoes in containers and I am going to plant some herbs and lettuces as well. I want to scout out more places to take Ruby - taking Boca first is a perfect way to do so, and also gives me the opportunity to have some one-on-one time with her. I am hoping to attend BlogPaws in Phoenix with Boca next year, and need to be sure she is comfortable in more busy and crowded situations. We have some fun events coming up - a potcake fundraiser at a sports bar and a graduation party at a local park - which will be perfect practice! It's my favorite time of year (from now until October), and I'll be spending it with my two favorite girls.

What little things about life with dogs make you the happiest?

Red Dogs and Holiday Blues

Are you feeling a little worn down by hauling out the holly? I know I am. I've noticed some particularly frantic renditions of "Sleigh Ride" in stores lately that unintentionally capture the relentless pace we're often expected to giddy up at this time of year. This morning when Ruby emerged yawning from under the covers and Boca eyed me drowsily from the foot of the bed, I promised them that we would sleep in tomorrow. We have plans to spend Christmas Day with family, but it's otherwise going to be a low-key and relaxed week, with extra-long walks in the daylight, dates with library books and a Harry Potter movie marathon.

I've been struggling to find my festive footing ever since losing my mom in 2010. She and I both have December birthdays, and it was a month-long celebration: from our annual tree-hunting expedition to crafting ornaments or wreaths and painting sugar cookies to lunch and shopping the after-Christmas sales on my birthday. For many years we would each open one gift on Christmas Eve, but when I was in college we switched to opening everything on that night after the annual viewing of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Being a night-owl, I loved this tradition. Things are different now - there is no family home to return to. I put up my own tree one year but haven't since - it seems so lackluster. I run around trying to fulfill obligations, navigate crowds and meet deadlines, leaving little room for much spirit.

Every once in a while, though, I'm buoyed up by the memory of my mother - how her joy and generosity present year-round seemed to shine even more bright this time of year. I'll drive past a house decked all in blue lights - her favorite - and remember how our own twinkled on the spruce in our front window, visible all the way to the barn. I'll find myself singing along to a carol, thinking how we would make up our own funny lyrics to incorporate current events while warming our rumps in front of the wood stove. I remind myself that even if she isn't here, my life is filled with gifts that live on; not the least of which is a deep, incurable and undeniably genetic love of dogs.

It can be a busy, stressful season and it isn't always easy for people. Strained family relations, changing friendships, financial hardship, grieving loved ones...all these things can culminate in feeling "less than" at what we are constantly reminded is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. Take it easy on yourself, do what you can. Accept that invitation and find yourself staying longer than you planned. Watch a movie you haven't seen since childhood. Take a walk in the moonlight, maybe with snow swirling down. Surround yourself with the people and animals you consider family and appreciate your simplest riches: the love of a good dog, the smell of something hearty on the stove, a phone call from an old friend, a day to sleep in.

Animals Are an Introvert's Superpower

As long as I'm leading with my dog, you'd never guess that I'm a shy, quiet person.

I had a really wonderful weekend filled with dogs, horses and friends old and new. As an introvert, sometimes I find too many social engagements draining, but where animals are involved I can be downright outgoing. As I babble non-stop about my dogs or my horse, one might never know that I am often nervous around new people or that I take a long time to let my guard down. It's one reason I gravitate toward writing, where I can express myself much more effectively and take the time to say what I mean. I can feel awkward or out of place in many settings, and sometimes have to talk myself into parties or events. I'll be the one in the corner, talking to the dog...

As much as I enjoy a quiet day at the barn with my horse, one of the perks of boarding is forming a circle of barn friends. These are the people that will keep an extra eye on your horse when you're out of town, lend you their fly spray if you've run out and most importantly, join you out on the trail or in the arena. Riding is not exactly the safest sport, and it's good to have company. I've been at my new barn for about two months now, but aside from the barn manager I haven't gotten to know anyone else so I was happy to share the arena with another rider on Saturday. She was working a young horse and I was just soaking up the gorgeous day on Coro's back. We were both doing our own thing, but we finished up at the same time and cooled our horses out together, making leisurely laps as we mutually praised our horses, patted their necks, and got acquainted by way of our equine histories. Despite riding different styles and disciplines, we found more in common than not, and I left the barn feeling so thankful for horses and the people that love them.

I didn't think I would ever be the type of person to start a meetup group, but when I discovered how many island dogs have found their way to Colorado, that's exactly what I did. Yesterday marked the very first Colorado Potcake Meetup at Elk Meadow Dog Park in Evergreen. Boca and I met two of her fellow potcakes from the Humane Society of Grand Bahamas and their nice people. We let the dogs romp in the fenced area before and after our loop hike on the off-leash trail system (I kept Boca on-leash) and shared our adoption stories and other canine-centric conversation. I noticed that there were no uncomfortable silences among a group of strangers, as we laughed and exclaimed over our dogs' antics and discussed their various quirks as well as our different rescue experiences. The weather could not have been more perfect, and the dogs seemed to enjoy each other's company. Boca was calm and polite with every dog she met and came trotting joyfully back to me whenever I'd call for her in the fenced area. I think that it's sometimes difficult for adults (especially introverts) to meet people outside of the workplace, and these wonderful dogs from the Bahamas not only made each of our separate lives better, but offered the opportunity for new friendships.

Growing up as an only child surrounded by pets and farm animals (which were also pets), I have always been most comfortable in the nonverbal space inhabited by the furred, finned and feathered, but I find that animals can also provide us with connection and confidence when serving as conduits between our own kind. No matter our differences, it seems that people from all walks of life can find common ground when sharing the path with animals. They lift us up when we're feeling small and give us a voice when we're feeling mute. This weekend I was reminded how powerful they can be, just by being themselves.