June 17, 2015

I Don't Call Myself a Dog Mom, But I Don't Care If You Do

Sometimes I call her my sweet baby...how could I not?

There has been an editorial circulating lately, not unlike articles before it, written by an oddly bitter mother of three admonishing pet guardians who choose to refer to their dogs as "babies" or "furkids." It's not the first of its kind, but it's drawn a lot of attention because it is particularly critical and overly defensive, and the author attests that it is an insult to "real" mothers for people to compare pets to children. This woman is really angry. I'm not going to link to it here, but if you haven't seen it, just Google "No, Your Dog Is Not Your Baby."

I don't call myself a dog mom. I prefer to refer to myself as their guardian, because my dogs had mothers, and I'm not their mother. It's a semantics thing - perhaps being a poet, I want the exactly right word to describe my relationship to them, and to be completely honest I haven't found it yet, but 'guardian' sits well with me. By that same token, my friends, family and pet professionals often refer to me as such. When my dogs greet me after work my dad says to them "Your mom's home!" When my vet brings Boca up from the back of the office she say's "There's mom!" My best friend says "You're such a good dog mom." My girlfriends threw me a dog shower to celebrate Boca's adoption. Sometimes I use #dogmom on my Instagram pictures because I know it will get them more views. Plenty of my blogger friends like Amanda from Dog Mom Days and Kimberly from Keep the Tail Wagging refer to themselves as dog moms and it doesn't bother me in the least - why should it? Their dogs, their families, their identities. It doesn't infringe on my relationship with my dogs or what I choose to call them. 

Why, then, are some of these mommy bloggers so up in arms about it? I must admit that it reminds me a little of people who feel threatened by gay marriage. Why is someone else's idea of motherhood an insult to your own? I also wonder if it is one of the last holdovers of the perceived threat or discomfort with the unmarried, single and/or childless woman. So what if someone wants to dress their dog up or push it around in a stroller (as long as these things don't cause stress for the dog)? So what if someone wants to call their dog their baby, furkid, son or dogter? I have trouble understanding how this is a personal affront to someone who has chosen to have children.

I admit that I bristle a bit when I see or hear things like "you don't know what love is until you have a kid." I'm certain that it is a transformative and transcendental experience like no other. It's true that I will never know what it's like, but I do know what it's like to be loved that way by my own mother, and I never really felt the need to dissect whether she loved me more or differently than our animals - we were all family. She loved us with her whole being, and I learned how to love from her. She kept a dog that growled at me its entire life; some would frown on that, but he came before me chronologically and she didn't feel I was in real danger. I was taught early on to respect his space, and I turned out just fine. I turned out adoring dogs, in fact, even though my first dog "sibling" was not exactly welcoming. Something else I can't comprehend is the high number of dogs who are abandoned after people have kids - the author of the article says as much, although she kept her dog - "I loved my dogs, and then I had kids..." as if their capacity for love is finite, and something had to make space or be given up to make room for love of a new child, like the one in/one out policy of an exclusive club. I think the rant's author is behind the times, frankly. Americans will spend close to $60 billion on their pets this year. Last weekend at the annual library book sale, the dog books were in a section labeled 'Pets and Parenting' and I had to wade through all the baby books to get to the good ones. 

Love of a human child may well be a singular and exceptional emotional experience, but so is love of a dog. Just as I cannot possibly know exactly what one mother feels for her human child, they can't know exactly how I feel about Ruby and Boca. I imagine that, based on how much I worry about my dogs, that parenthood is heart-achingly intense and intensely overwhelming, as well as incredibly rewarding. I would probably be the worst helicopter parent of all time. I have read a lot of books about parenting, childbirth and adoption, because I'm fascinated by experiences not my own. The insulted mother might take seven minutes to watch this touching video - can anyone be unmoved by that? I loved Lasya and Freya, but something changed when I adopted Ruby. Perhaps it was her unique challenges, the fact that she was my first small dog, the end of my long-term relationship coinciding with my adoption of Boca and the doors of my child-bearing years closing swiftly (though I'd firmly decided years ago that children were not for me), but my devotion to them is deeper and more profound than anything before. They are one of my top priorities and their well-being is of the utmost importance. I ensure that they eat well - the best I can afford - have veterinary care and insurance, and lives filled with enrichment and things that they enjoy. I take care of them the best I can, and sometimes they take care of me. It's not the same as raising a child, but there are certainly plenty of elements in common.

I don't consider my dogs my kids, but I do consider them family. My commitment to them lasts their lifetime, and I take them into account with every decision I make. I don't need to be told what love is or how this love is somehow lacking. And let's not be overly generous and generalized: I know plenty of animals who are more well-loved and cared for than a lot of human children. Motherhood isn't a job equally embraced and accomplished by all who give birth. It's a role differently played by each and every one, and if someone feels that they are a mother to their dog or wants to call it their baby, I don't see how that takes anything away from anyone else. Meanwhile, I'll call my dogs whatever I want. Babies, gingers, sisters. I call it love.


51 comments:

  1. I've always wondered why the mommy bloggers were so up in arms over someone calling themselves a dogmom. I agree with everything you posted.

    We do call ourselves pet parents but I don't care if you don't. I know you love your girls and I think that's what matters. Pet parents, guardian, Dog mom. It's all about love and good care.

    Also, I will never understand how some people have babies and then give their dogs up. That's one way to completely lose my respect. I also grew up with a "dog sister" that hated me and growled at me. I was taught to give her space.

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    1. She really doesn't do much for making children sound appealing, either! Very much focused on the negative. I appreciate the differences and the similarities, and have plenty of close friends with children who even say themselves when I have talked about how high maintenance Ruby is that "it's like having a toddler!"

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  2. It's an unfortunate sign of our times that there are people who seem to spend every waking moment looking for something that offends them. Instead of just allowing someone to live life not hurting anyone The Offended Ones have to make a huge deal about something innocuous.

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    1. Exactly! I'm offended by mistreating others, intolerance and willful ignorance. Certainly not how someone chooses to refer endearingly to whom or what they love.

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  3. I love this post. I like you don't really call myself a dog mom, but Kevin and I refer to each other as Mom and Dad to them. Most importantly they are family, our sweet boys and I love them.

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    1. Family is the best descriptor to me, and I suppose there will always be a divide between the people that consider them such and those that don't (as evidenced by the large numbers abandoned at shelters).

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  4. I don't romanticize the family labels, and my choice to not have children made people uncomfortable. I confess, for me, I don't like the mom-names, because I don't think we humans always do a better job of parenting. There are a pair of barn swallows with a nest in my barn right now who put us all to shame. I aspire to be a loyal as a dog, as honest as a horse, and I aspire to be part of their families. Lara, I agree. Those insulted mothers seem to care more about politics than compassion. What a great blog post, thank you for writing it so cleanly.

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    1. Thanks so much, Anna. Animals are admirable in ways that don't need comparison.

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  5. This is always a subject that baffles me, too, and I'm not even sure I know what my stance on the subject is--or if I even need to have a stance on it. I think part of the controversy comes from the fact that a lot of "pet parents" respond to stories about human children with stories about their pets because that's where the common ground is. I don't have a lot to contribute to stories about making homemade baby food or cloth diapering, but I can relate if I connect it to making treats and Lord knows I have plenty of poop stories, so that's my way of connecting with people whose conversations are almost exclusively about kids. Some of my mommy friends think that responding with those kinds of stories suggests that their children are the same as animals and it's offensive in some way . . .

    I don't really like the term pet parenthood because I have no desire to be a parent and even though there are similarities--I deal with way more bodily functions that my friends with toddlers do on a daily basis--I don't think they are the same experience at all. I have so much admiration for parents of human children--I have no idea how a person can manage to get up and get ready for work and also get a kid up and ready for school, or how they survive without timeouts in crates (or being able to run away and see a movie without calling a babysitter). So, for me, I do feel like I'm downplaying how many sacrifices and how much hard work my friends with kids have if I call myself a "dog mom" although it is a term I sometimes use since I haven't found the right word yet, either, and I don't mind if our trainer or vet or my friends use that term for me.

    I'm not really sure I can put a label on my relationship with Barley and Soth or that I really need one for it. They know I love them, so I think love is really the only word we need.

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    1. I try not to annoy my parent friends with comparisons, but they are often the ones to make them! There is no doubt that it's different in many, many ways. Eventually, human children will hopefully not be dependent on their parents...while dogs always will. Most of us will have many generations of dogs and different relationships with each. You're right that love sums it up perfectly and succinctly.

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  6. Like you, I usually don't call myself a dog mom. I don't read the mommy rants so I didn't know that the term upset some people. The reason why I don't use it is that the dogs who I've been closest to have become like best friends or sisters or partners. Shyla is moving into that realm now, although I think I'll probably feel more like her guardian for her whole life than with my previous dogs due to her fears. She needs me to help her navigate the human world more than my past dogs have needed it.

    Like you, even though I don't usually call myself a "dog mom", many people in my life refer to me as the mom of my dogs. It doesn't upset me at all. I think everyone should just relax a bit about this issue and others like it.

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    1. I related to friends, sisters and partners, too, KB. I actually really liked 'pack' but its fallen out of favor now. I wish there was a better word to describe what I feel when I have them both close. You are right that our dogs' needs also define the relationship. I feel like Ruby's protector, but Boca feels like mine.

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  7. Well written. I think this is the best response I've seen to that article yet. Well done!

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    1. Thanks so much, Kimberly! I actually avoided reading that rant at first, and when finally did I had A LOT to say about it!

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  8. Saw the article. All I kept thinking was, "Clearly this woman has never had to deal with a high maintenance dog that requires attention, training, and micromanagement all. the. time."

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    1. My own friends with kids have compared having Ruby to having a toddler!

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    2. Exactly! I just read an article about life with a malinois and it kind of sounds like living with a toddler that bites all the time! Lol!

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  9. This is so well-written! I agree with your sentiments here! Thank you for writing this.

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    1. Thank you, Miranda. I actually couldn't sleep after reading that editorial and many of the comments, I had to try and organize my thoughts!

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  10. I always say to each their own. It's kind of silly to get so upset over something like this. Some people have too much time on their hands. ;-) As another commenter said I don't refer to myself as my dogs' "Mom" but my husband and I refer to each other as their Mom and Dad. Our children are grown and living out of state so our two little rescues have truly become our family. Lighten up people. :D

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    1. I'm sure part of the point of the article was just to get attention, which it certainly did. I really hope the author isn't quite as caustic as she seems.

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  11. I care much less for names and definitions than I do for love and kindness. Call yourself mom or Lord Gingerbread or whatever you want. What matters is the fulfillment of your responsibility to love and care for another. The rest is just semantics.

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    1. I hadn't considered Lord Gingerbread...that's tempting! Love, kindness and responsibility are definitely the key words.

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  12. I always find this hilarious. I am a mom, but i'm a pibble mom. :-) My hubby and I decided we didn't want to have human children, so dogs are it for us! I love your article, and find it frusterating and kind of funny when people take offense. My family has thankfully responded really well to me having my furbabies, I refer to hubby and dad and say things like "daddy's home", "where's daddy?" he refers to me as "mom" and "mommy". I call my pups my kids, and say things like, "come on kids!" "get the kids" "hey you guys!" We call Ziva "the baby" as a nickname she reminds me of the toddle on Dinosaurs the old TV show, "I'm the baby, gotta love me!" Because she can be naughty sometimes.
    I don't see how what we're doing is any different from having human kids, we exercise our pups, feed them nutritional food, healthy treats/snacks, look for all natural health products, I clothe them, bathe them, we play together and spend quality time one on one, they see the doctor regularly, we do sports. I expect them to be on their good behavior when out in public, we practice manners....I love them with my whole heart and would never abandon them. I always do what I feel is best to meet their individual needs.
    So those human mom's just need to get off of their high horses, and recognize that those of us who either can't, or choose to not have kids can still experience what it is to be a mother and the job that ensues.

    Here's a question: What about mom's who adopt a child? The child isn't their child, does that not make them a mom? Or the women who are such an influencer on a child who lives in a bad home, that the child then goes on to consider them a "mom" more than their own mother?

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    1. The question of adoptive parents is a very valid one, Aavery. You are so right that many elements of caretaking are similar whether we are talking about dogs or kids. I can totally see Ziva as the baby dinosaur!

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  13. Sigh. Well, I wrote a really long comment and then the Internet ate it. Basically, I LOVE your response and will share it all over the Internet! Why is this author so bitter and angry? What business is it of hers? To each their own, I say! Thanks for a great post :)

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    1. Darn, Chelsea - I'm sorry to hear your thoughtful comment got eaten - I hate when that happens - but thanks so much for reading and commenting. I hope she's not that angry all the time, about such harmless things!

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  14. Amen to this post - when I read that original piece I was left with such a feeling of hatred & disrespect to so many. She seems bitter about raising her own children for some reason and in her mind I suppose that makes it OK to judge what words others use to describe their dogs. At the end of the day it all comes down to love.

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    1. As I read through a fraction of the 1500 comments, I started to feel a little bit sorry for her, but only a little. You have to expect backlash when you write something so one-sided, judgmental and harsh. I tried to tread carefully while voicing my own feelings and experience. We can always stand to stretch our compassion muscles.

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    2. I started reading through those comments this morning and wow - she certainly made a lot of people angry. But as you say you have to expect some backlash when being critical of something as simple as what other people choose to call themselves. I try to tread lightly as well in regards to most issues for sure.

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  15. I love this post Lara. You are so great at articulating what do many of us are thinking. I have dogs. I have kids. And I have a Cat (for some reason my phone always changes cat to Cat, I think my kitty would approve!) They are all different. They are all loved. And they are all, 100%, members of the family.

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    1. Ha! I also have a Cat, with a capital 'C'. Thanks for your kind words, Joanna.

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  16. I loved this so much! I saw the article too (that woman is nuts), and was planning to writing a response thing monday. Our views are the same!

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  17. This is perfect. I call myself "caretaker" and "slave."

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  18. BRAVO!! Very well said. What the heck difference should it make to a human mom what we choose to do? Good grief. A. Nelson above said this so well, I wanted to quote it: "So those human mom's just need to get off of their high horses, and recognize that those of us who either can't, or choose to not have kids can still experience what it is to be a mother and the job that ensues." EXACTLY.

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  19. I couldn't be bothered to read the post that has been appearing everywhere. I don't have time for that nonsense that helps no one.

    It feels so silly to quibble over language about the ones we love in a world filled with suffering and death.

    I can only guess that the person who wrote the vitriolic post about motherhood is acting out of her own pain.

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  20. There will always be someone to complain about something. Isn't that the truth? People (we) should all just learn to let people be who they are, and live our own lives. It's none of their business what you do, what you call your animals, or who you marry! Thanks for your post. I found it interesting and well-written. Peace

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  21. I didn't read the original article, but I love what you wrote! I'm a mother to 5 humans and I've pretty much had dogs my whole life. I didn't need my human babies to make me a complete person, but I love having them in my life. I consider myself a pet guardian, (even before I had human babies), but it doesn't cause me any distress if someone else is a pet mom.

    I think its important to realize that this doesn't have to be a mom to humans versus mom to pets fight. Some people may share her opinion, but there are plenty of us who know that the love you have isn't diminished based on the recipient's species.

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  22. I don't really understand why the lady is so bitter. I have human kids and it's not insulting. Yes, pet kids and human kids are different and the things you go through and feel with each of them is different. I still don't think it's an insult when people call their pets their kids though.

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  23. I guess some people just have to have something to argue about. I can't imagine why else she would be that upset. Personally, I come from a family that is very loosely connected. Due to family violence, legal issues, etc I'm not very close to anyone that I'm blood related to. I've always "chosen" people to be my family and never considered love to have anything to do with genetics.I call people by family pronouns even though they aren't related to me. Referring to my cats as my "children" is just an extension of that. I am not under the impression that I gave birth to them or that they hold the same place in society that humans do. I do know love, despite what that lady might think. I do something that I pray she will never have to do - love my kids with all my heart even KNOWING that one day I will have to say goodbye forever.

    -Purrs from your friends at www.PlayfulKitty.net

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  24. I think some people take life, and themselves, to seriously. I sometimes refer to myself as Chester and Gretel's Mom. Never once did I mean it in the literal sense, or even close. I am not confusing dogs with human kids and, quite frankly, either is anyone else I know that refers to themselves as a Dog Mom. I could just as well have chosen to call myself their very special sparkle unicorn and it shouldn't matter to anyone else. To each their own.

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  25. It's interesting that people get so angry. I think the anger comes out of jealousy. It's almost like they are mad that some of us chose the childless life, and we live a more freeing life because of it. This is the 21st century people - get over yourselves. Gay people are getting married, transgender people are more accepted and women have careers and no children. Get. Over. It.
    P.S - thanks for the mention! My animals are very much my kids. They aren't children, but I treat them like my children. And anyone who has a problem with it can say it to my face <3

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  26. My boy is adopted so that makes me his mom. I like the term pet guardian, but have no problem with parent. Why should I? If someone loves and cares for their animals they can call themselves whatever they want! I think some people like to see themselves as a superior species and calling ourselves pet parents threatens that separateness and insults their sense of specialness.

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  27. I don't understand anyone being upset. I call myself their mom and their guardian and while I've never lost a child but I do have one and when my heart/soul dog Scarlett died I was devastated utterly. If lost my daughter God forbid I can imagine it would hurt as deeply and for the rest of my life. Scarlett has been gone for over 3 years and I still cry about her some days. No one has the right to define a relationship and tell others what they can or cannot call it. We, as free human beings, get to define ourselves and our labels and whatever we want to be is no one's business. Your post here is very well written and I enjoyed reading it a lot :-)

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  28. I am so glad to see people putting their paw and foot down on this topic. I have blogged about it repeatedly. Until someone's name other than mine appears on my birth certificate, I have the right to call myself whatever I please. These naysayers need to pipe down. TY for blogging!

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  29. "You don't know what love is until you have a kid" is such a condescending statement. If someone says that to me, I infer a few things about that person and their parenting abilities, none of them complimentary.

    The blog post you refer to has actually made me embrace the pet parent terms MORE. I casually called my pets my kids on occasion, but I do it a lot more frequently since discovering how mad it makes people. Maybe it's a solidarity thing with people like Amanda and Carol, supporting them by joining them... or maybe I've just never outgrown the urge to do exactly what I'm told not to do. Either way, with the vitriol coming from the "real" parents, I'd rather join "sides" with the wonderful loving pet parents, none of whom ever try to illigitimize anyone's claim to parenthood because it makes them feel insecure.

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    1. "or maybe I've just never outgrown the urge to do exactly what I'm told not to do"

      I am finding that I want to start calling myself a dog mom now, too, Ryan, even though I didn't before! Also, I want this pillow:

      https://www.pinterest.com/pin/322218548310080381/

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    2. LOL! I love that pillow!

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  30. I love your post! Thank you for your honesty, you hit the nail right on the head so hard, those mommy bloggers will be hurting. Something I've learned from working with women with children is that they are control freaks. If they can't control it it's not right and I think this is what it's about. I do call myself Dolly's mom but not in her blog, I didn't like the sound of it which is one of the reasons I came up with the Lady. I not only never had children I never had the desire to have them and didn't even really know how to love and nurture my first cat properly. It's something I've had to learn how to do. Like you I am committed to their care and well being just as much as a responsible mother is to her child no matter what term we use.

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  31. What a well written article. I also don't call myself a pet parent or dog mom (other than a training cue that started I-dont-even-know-how), and fully respect those who do to use the terminology. I think the only reason I don't use the term or feel the way I do is partly because of the marketing surrounding it. I blame marketing ;) I generally use the term "human", and occasionally guardian. I also use owner. Honestly, like you, I feel like the dogs are family and the *personal* relationship I have with them far exceeds any term. In other words, it doesn't really matter what I call it, and I could care less what people think about the word I place to it. It just *is*. I also accept this isn't very writerly of me, but then I also don't consider myself a writer ;)

    I personally feel we have to remember that it's a term, and not a negative one or one based in slander... and therefore doesn't carry some kind of heavy burden with it. It's just a term.

    But on the other hand, I've seen dog people bristle because some of us *don't* use the term too! Which, I feel, is also going a bit too far and sort of bringing things in a circle back to where they started (I think if we're asking for respect for a term, then we should respect the terms that other people use or don't use! Just because I dislike a term doesn't mean any kind of personal offense... I just don't like a term. Probably because of too-slick marketing.)

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  32. Excellent post! Thanks for sticking up for those of us who choose not to have human children and are proud to be called dog moms.

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