December 17, 2013

Here and Now: Falling In Love With Imperfection


In four and a half months I have learned a lot about Ruby, and maybe more about myself.  I have experienced an arc of emotion and a curve of learning while the seasons changed from summer to winter.  These past few weeks have been a kind of settling in, and I find that what has happened is that Ruby has become my dog.

She is still reactive, and probably always will be.  Some situations are more challenging than others.  We are still figuring out what works.  I am still reading books, blogs and Facebook forums, still practicing the Relaxation Protocol and still actively working on improving her encounters with the outside world.  What has changed is my attitude, and my focus.  I have moved through the initial shock of the seemingly drastic change in her behavior (what I now believe to be a combination of age, breed, circumstance), the paralyzing panic of dealing with another reactive dog, the desperate need to take action, hire a trainer, read all the things, the inevitable frustration when plans go awry, the commiserating comfort of finding others experiencing similar struggles and finally, the liberating realization that Ruby is who Ruby is, and I love her for it.  

I am finding that I am starting to shy away from the reactive label - yes, she is that, but she is so many other things.  She is astute, she is affectionate, she is enthusiastic, she is endearingly optimistic (the cat is going to play with her one day!).  She is playful, she is determined, she is generous (even though I don't want to share her bully stick, thank you very much).  I have stopped obsessing over what I have to fix, and started appreciating what I have to foster and encourage.

These days I worry less about what our next walk is going to be like, and look more forward to where we'll go.  Perhaps to the nearby playground with the daredevil-high watchtower and catwalk that look like something left over from eastern Europe and the rendition of  Cinderella's pumpkin carriage that lends a piece of fairy tale to the blocky suburban architecture.  Perhaps across the vacant lot where a rogue stand of pampas grass has taken root like an urban savanna, and where we can climb a hill and watch the traffic flicker and flow on the freeway.  

When we get home we'll work on a new trick, play a game of "catch the kibble,"several rounds of tug with the current blue-and-green rope toy, both of us smiling and growling as we dance around the living room.  I'll share my dinner with her - yes, I'm that kind of dog owner - laughing as she holds her mouth open for a spaghetti noodle like a baby bird.  We'll watch TV, an episode of Nature where a pair of courting birds might capture Ruby's attention with their alien cries.  Ruby will lay on the back of the sofa, peeking out the window now and then, or curl next to me with something satisfying to chew on, a moose antler or her "cheese stick" (Himalayan chew).  Around ten o'clock her eyelids will start to get heavy and she'll rest her head on my leg and her splotchy lower lip will stick out in the way that makes my heart melt.  Soon we'll climb the stairs to bed and she will stretch out beside me until I turn the light out, at which point she will burrow under the covers and becomes the most darling snuggler a person could ever wish for.

This is life with Ruby, red and white ambassador of the here and now. This is life with my dog. 

8 comments:

  1. awh... love it. Ive started to feel this way too. I was going to bring Stella to work today with me (like I did when she was 6-9 mos old, and not reactive) but I thought... you know she hasn't been here in a while, she is going to bark at everyone that walks through the door, at that one co-worker that freaks her (and me) out. Which causes me to be stressed and her to be stressed... Im going to tell her she can only lay on her bed in one spot.... for what?? just to bring her to work? nah. Stella might not be the "take everywhere" dog I hoped for. But that's okay. Ill take her on our walk tonight, we will come home, play ball in the house, then she will curl up with me on the couch. Its her routine, and she loves it.. Great post!!

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    1. It is interesting when you begin to distinguish between what you want and what the dog wants. At first I thought it was "boring" to stick around my townhome complex, wandering between the buildings and playgrounds, but Ruby is so much happier on this familiar route, sniffing the ground and watching the squirrels chattering in the trees, than venturing out to busier places where noisy buses startle her and bicyclists whiz by. I think routine is key for these anxious dogs.

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  2. The thing I've found difficult is balancing the perfect here-and-now with the actual work to improve. I do feel an ethical obligation to keep Silas moving forward, but we also have a very easy and comfortable life that we can live right now. (And yes, recognizing that is a huge thing when you live with an anxious dog.) In the beginning, it's hard to accept what you have and just go with it. Later on, it's hard to know when to push past it and move on.

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    1. Oh, certainly - I don't think the work will ever end, and agree that it's a balancing act between enjoying the present and continuing to work toward future goals.

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  3. I LOVE this post, and I'm so proud of you! It took me way, way, WAY longer than 4.5 months to get to that point with Lucas. Obsessing over what to fix took up way too much of our first year+ together, so I'm really happy that you're a way more enlightened person than I am and have learned to enjoy the present! It's so utterly important! :)

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    1. I just read 'A Letter To Lucas' - what a wonderful story and journey for him to blossom into such a happy boy. I notice Ruby's tail wagging more and more and it is so heartwarming.

      I definitely still have my days where I'm jealous of all the seemingly "normal" dogs that can walk down a busy street or go to work with their owners, but I think having one challenging dog already (who was simpler than Ruby!) prepared me to love another.

      I'm determined to keep working, but I'm just as determined not to get discouraged if it doesn't go exactly how I'd like. I bet in a few years I'll be able to look back and see how truly far we've come!

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  4. Bless this good Ruby dog. Acceptance: It's all any of us wants.

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  5. This was a wonderful post, I enjoyed reading it very much.

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